[Cue annoyingly perky theme music, terrifyingly reminiscent of Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass. Curtain rises to reveal tacky day-glo late sixties-to-early-seventies set, heavy on the neon pinks and vibrant oranges. ANNOUNCER voiceover begins.]
ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome to “A Date with Destiny,” Cairo’s favorite dating game!
[Title graphics superimpose over the screen within the nauseating frame of a giant Pepto-Bismol-Pink heart.]
ANNOUNCER: With your host, the man with the most, although of what we’re not saying, your very own Beeeeeeeeeenito!
[BENITO oozes in from offstage and stands directly under a blinking neon “Applause” sign, arms outstretched to rake in the accolades. It is obviously BENI, “disguised” in a ruffled pastel-blue lounge lizard tuxedo and a ludicrously fake black handlebar moustache.]
BENITO: Thank you, thank you, my *dear* friends. You do me too much honor. You warm my heart with your lovely welcome. I am overwhelmed.
[Four or five apathetic claps issue from the audience, then dead silence. BENITO draws his scrawny form to its full height, obviously miffed, and skulks his way over to the podium on the right, muttering to himself all the while. Nearby are three chairs which are cast in shadow, and a fourth chair which is blocked from viewing the other three chairs by a partition.]
BENITO: . . . call down plagues of boils on your hands . . . Ahem. [Plasters an insincere smile on his face.] Tonight, one of our lucky male contestants will be chosen for . . . all together now . . . [He gestures towards a stagehand holding a cue card who looks suspiciously mummified under his baseball cap and sunglasses.]
AUDIENCE [unenthusiastically reading the cue card]: "A date with destiny!"
BENITO [with a slimy grin]: "Or, in this case, a date with this lovely lady, as intelligent as she is beautiful, as graceful as a gazelle . . . who’s been shot . . . Miss Evelyn Carnahan!"
[Cut to a TV monitor set in the wall, upon which appears EVELYN, arguing heatedly backstage with JONATHAN.]
EVELYN: I can’t believe I let you talk me into this, you horrid little . . . You said it would be a dignified show! You said I’d have a chance to talk about Egyptology, not about . . . Oooh! Just look at these questions! [She angrily crumples the list in her hands.] That’s it, I’m leaving!
JONATHAN: Sorry, old mum, but I already sort of signed a contract for you . . . [Shields his face as she pummels him with blows.] Look, be reasonable, Evie, they offered me absolute *pots* of money for this, and it’s only for one night, how bad can it be?
[Cut back to BENITO, whose grin is even slimier, if possible.]
BENITO: A most inspired question. Well, I can see our young lady is eager to get started, so let’s introduce our three romantic rivals for her charming favors!
[Annoyingly perky theme music begins again in the background. Spotlights over the three chairs (labeled with signs saying “Number One” “Number Two” and “Number Three”) light up one by one as the three contestants take their seats subsequent to BENITO’s individual introductions.]
BENITO: First, we have Bachelor Number One: this professional adventurer and mercenary-for-hire is looking for that special damsel in distress who has a fast mind and even faster lips, who is not afraid to get her hands dirty, and who is skilled at negotiating with prison wardens. His hobbies include barroom brawls, having his teeth whitened, and trying not to get killed -- Mr. Rick O’Connell!
[RICK treats the audience to a dazzling smile. He gets the same four or five apathetic claps as BENITO. BENITO appears to be immensely cheered by this.]
BENITO: Next, we have Bachelor Number Two: this Med-Jai warrior is looking for a gal who knows her way around a sword and a camel, who finds tattoos a turn-on, who understands the meaning of unswerving loyalty, commitment, obsession, irrational monomania, even . . . [The incoming BEY glares at BENITO. BENITO flashes a weak smile.] Sorry. As I was saying, his hobbies include brooding, lurking, scowling, threatening, killing people, and centuries-old vendettas -- Mr. Ardeth Bey!
[The four or five apathetic claps break out into terrified applause and cheering when BEY unsheaths his scimitar and examines the edge in a speculative fashion, the studio lights glinting wickedly off the blade.]
BENITO: And last, but by no means least [winking conspiratorially], we have Bachelor Number Three: this ex-clergyman seeks a woman whose heart, not to mention all her other internal organs, is in the right place, a woman who appreciates that baldness is a sign of virility, a woman who is open-minded about dating an older man, a woman with the kindness and empathy to understand that he is still recovering from a very painful breakup. His hobbies include studying ancient texts, sand sculpture, and terminal entomology. Let’s hear it for that prince of a guy -- Imhotep!
[IMHOTEP stalks majestically to his seat, a sly smirk tugging at his lips, robes fluttering revealingly around his bare legs and chest. The audience is mute with terror. IMHOTEP narrows his eyes and makes a subtle gesture with one hand.]
AUDIENCE [chanting]: Im-ho-tep . . . Im-ho-tep . . . Im-ho-tep . . .
BENITO: Ugh . . . break out the boil medicine.
[BEY and IMHOTEP regard each other with blatant hostility from their neighboring seats. A single scarab darts from IMHOTEP’s robes toward BEY. Without breaking eye contact, BEY crushes it deliberately beneath his heel, eliciting a painful pattern of squeaks from the insect. RICK looks as if he wishes he was elsewhere.]
BENITO: Gentlemen, thank you, thank you so much for coming. So, do you all feel lucky tonight?
RICK [Grinning confidently]: Always.
BEY [Quivering with righteous wrath, and still not breaking eye contact with Imhotep]: I most assuredly hope so. I will need all the luck I can get to kill the creature.
IMHOTEP [Glancing at the running translation on the TV monitor, raising one eyebrow, and deepening his smirk]: Koontash dai a nihlio mi pharos.
BENITO: He says that is not a very nice way to talk about Evelyn.
RICK [staring suspiciously at BENITO]: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
BENITO: Who, me? No, I just have one of those faces.
RICK: Wait a minute. Where are you from?
BENITO: Um . . . Spain. I’m from Spain. Hence the name, “Benito.” It’s not rocket science, O’Connell.
RICK: What part of Spain?
BENITO [defensively]: The Spanish part. Look, we’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to talk about *your* date with destiny, if that is perfectly all right with you? OK? Fine. We will be getting on with the destiny part then, right after a word from our sponsors.
[CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
[Warden HASSAN is standing in the living room of a small suburban Cairo home, wearing what looks like a pair of grubby Orkin Man overalls and carrying a bottle of liquor.]
HASSAN: Greetings, my friends. Today I am here to ask: Has this ever happened to you?
[Cut to MOTHER, humming cheerfully, walking into a bedroom. She stops short, and a look of exasperation crosses her features.]
MOTHER: Oh, no, not again!
FATHER [running to join her]: What is it, dear?
MOTHER: It’s those darn scarab beetles again. They’ve eaten Junior this time!
[Cut to shot of child-size skeleton in bed.]
MOTHER [shaking head]: Next thing you know, they’ll be chewing up the good sofa.
[Cut back to Wardan HASSAN.]
HASSAN: Yes, my friends, if you have a problem with bugs, you have only to call Hassan’s Exterminating Service, and we will take care of your problem with no delay!
[Grinning maniacally, HASSAN pours a puddle of the liquor on the ground and drops a match. A fireball engulfs the suburban home. Cut to exterior shot of HASSAN, soot-stained and smoking, standing in front of the smoldering remains of the residence.]
HASSAN: Yes, here at Hassan’s Exterminating Service, our motto is “We hate bugs!”
CUT BACK FROM COMMERCIAL
[The title graphic is momentarily superimposed on the screen. Fading away, it reveals the set.]
[BENITO is motioning frantically to JONATHAN, who is on the set continuing his argument with EVELYN.]
EVELYN: I am *not* asking these questions! Will you . . . [She notices that Jonathan is looking over her head at BENITO, who is making frantic arm gestures and pointing at the red light on the camera.] Jonathan! [EVELYN smacks him in the face with the stack of cue cards.]
JONATHAN: Ow! [He holds his hand up to the rather nasty paper cut on his cheek.] I say, that was uncalled for!
[EVELYN looks slightly guilty, but raises the cue cards again in a menacing fashion. BENITO intervenes, grasping JONATHAN's arm and half-steering, half-dragging him to the edge of the set. JONATHAN turns at the edge, mouth opening for one final word. A muscular arm comes out of the curtains, dragging JONATHAN off-stage. BENITO smirks after him, then turns to the camera and smiles broadly.]
BENITO: Welcome back, my friends! It's time for our special lady to ask the first of the questions that will tell her which of our male contestants is her 'fair prince'.
[The camera zooms in on the right side of the set, panning slowly over the three men. IMHOTEP smirks. ARDETH BEY looks slightly confused. RICK leans back in his chair and crosses his arms behind his head, smiling the smile of someone who *knows* that he has 'male lead' stamped on his DNA.]
[Cut back to EVELYN.]
EVELYN: [shuffling the cards in her hand frantically, her eyes skimming the contents of each one] No . . . no . . . Definitely not!
BENITO: [glancing towards IMHOTEP with a nervous smile] Come now, lady. Pick a question and ask it!
EVEYLN: [shoots him one of her patented looks] Very well, *sir*! [EVELYN picks a card at random, closing her eyes in pain when she sees what it is. She puts a hand over her eyes and slumps down in her chair.] If . . . if you were a *tree*, what kind of tree would you be?
[There is absolute silence on the soundstage.]
BENITO: [whispering] You must ask a specific bachelor before they can answer.
EVELYN: [sighs heavily] Bachelor Number One, what kind of tree would *you* be?
RICK: [strikes a thoughtful pose before answering. There is the sound of feminine sighs from the audience.] I would be a mighty oak. [RICK smiles at the audience, flashing teeth out of a Crest ad.] Tall and strong.
[The voice of JONATHAN can be heard over the speakers from the control room.]
DISEMBODIED VOICE OF JONATHAN: Thick as an oak plank, too. The resemblance is uncanny!
[RICK looks around angrily. BENITO grabs the microphone attached to the podium.]
BENITO: Get him out of there!
[There is a noise like a heavy door being broken open over the speakers, then the sound of shuffling footsteps.]
DISEMBODIED VOICE OF JONATHAN: [startled] What? How did you . . . Evie? I think you should know-- [abruptly breaks off into static]
[BENITO smiles toothily up in the direction of the control room. EVELYN is looking rather alarmed.]
BENITO: I apologize sincerely for our minor technical difficulties. [to EVELYN] Please, I beg of you, continue.
EVELYN: [still glancing nervously up at the control room.] All right. Bachelor Number Two?
ARDETH BEY: [Very seriously.] Yes?
EVELYN: Uh . . . what kind of tree would *you* be?
ARDETH BEY: I could never be a tree! You offend my ancestors, who fought and died to keep all of the world safe! [ARDETH BEY half rises from his seat, displaying every indication of being about to run around the partition and attack EVELYN] I am a warrior of the --
[IMHOTEP nods to BENITO.]
BENITO: All right then! Thank you, Bachelor Number Two, for that informative answer!
[ARDETH BEY sits down again reluctantly, shooting a murderous glance at the snickering RICK]
EVELYN: [edging her chair a little further away from the partition in case the last bachelor is also moved to homicidal rage by foliage. There is a slight tremor in her voice.] Bachelor Number Three? What kind of tree would you be?
IMHOTEP: [looking up at the translation and smiling slightly] Koontash dai a nihlio mi pharos.
BENITO: Bachelor Number Three says that 'I would be the tree of life, my princess, loving and sheltering you for all eternity as... [pauses] as all other mortals bow down before us, their pitiful lifetimes passing like grains of sand before the immortal flame of our reign.'
EVELYN: [looks slightly dazed] Really?
RICK: Hang on, he didn't say all that!
BENITO: Are you a linguistics expert? [Pretends to look back through the contestant's bios.] Funny, it didn't say anything about that.
RICK: [slightly sheepish] Not exactly, but--
BENITO: Then you will please remain quiet when it is not your turn! [Drunk on power, BENITO sneers the next words.] After all, you are not the host, are you, *O'Connell*?
RICK: [eyes narrowed] Are you *sure* that I don't know you?
BENITO: [sensing disaster] Maybe we met . . . in Spain! Yes! [Turns away quickly.] But there will be plenty of time for renewing old acquaintances after the show, so let's get on with it! [To EVELYN] Have you chosen your next question?
EVELYN: Hmm? Oh! Yes! [fumbles through the cards, dropping about half of them onto the floor.] Bachelor Number One, what is your greatest goal in life?
RICK: [still eyeing BENITO suspiciously, but rallying heroically when the camera is turned on him] I would have to say that my greatest goal in life is to find someone I can share adventures with . . . It can get pretty boring being the sole survivor over and over again. I'd like to find someone who shares my ability to blunder into dangerous situations and somehow survive, even as everyone around me dies.
EVELYN: [perking up] Well! Thank you, Bachelor Number One! Bachelor Number Two? What is your greatest goal in life?
ARDETH BEY: My goal? MY GOAL? [voice drops to a low hiss] My goal is to complete the work started by my ancestors millennia ago, to finally obliterate Bachelor Number Three from the face of this earth!
[IMHOTEP glances up at the translation, one eyebrow raised as he reads. His head turns to focus on BEY. The agitated warrior returns his gaze, eyes vibrating in their sockets with frustrated anger. IMHOTEP smiles at him like the cat that has just eaten the canary, the dog, most of the children and is just waiting for the Alka-Seltzer to kick in before it goes looking for your extended family.]
ARDETH BEY: That's enough! [He lunges to his feet and advances on IMHOTEP, drawing his sword and waving it in a flashing spiral. IMHOTEP gets up gracefully, his long-fingered hands tracing symbols in the air. (Specifically, the Ancient Egyptian symbols for 'You want a piece of me?' and 'YOU want a piece of ME?')]
ARDETH BEY: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [rushes at IMHOTEP]
[BENITO nods offstage, and two burly men in black tee-shirts and jeans rush out of the wings. Somehow, despite the strength of the two fighters, they are easily separated and placed back into their respective chairs. For unknown reasons, the crowd starts chanting 'Ben-it-TO! Ben-it-TO!']
BENITO: Please, no fighting. We have come here for love, not war! [BENITO smirks at the audience. The audience, aware that bad jokes are mandatory for hosts, responds with a smattering of pity laughs.] [To EVELYN] I believe you were about to ask Bachelor Number Three the question?
EVELYN: [Staring at the partition, obviously wondering what all the scuffling noises were about] Was I? Oh yes, I suppose I was. Bachelor Number Three, what's your greatest goal in life?
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai a nihlio mi pharos.
BENITO: How romantic... Bachelor Number Three says that 'My only goal is to make you mine, for all eternity.' [IMHOTEP glares at him, and BENITO reluctantly mutters] Oh, and also to kill Bachelors One and Two.
RICK: Hey!
EVELYN [swallowing hard]: Um. I . . . see.
BENITO: Well, I can tell that you are just chomping at the bit to ask your next two questions, but first, we must pause for this commercial break.
[CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
[Shot of average Cairo family all set to depart on vacation: FATHER is in a Hawaiian shirt, LITTLE GIRL has a floatie/water wings style pool toy around her waist, MOTHER is wearing zinc oxide on her nose and a pair of sunglasses. They are in standard desert nomad robes otherwise.]
FATHER: Well, here we are all set to depart upon our fun family vacation! However shall we reach our destination?
MOTHER: By plane?
[Cut to shot of biplane spinning, black smoke billowing from its tail and wing-strapped passengers screaming, right before it dives nose-first into the ground like a dart.]
FATHER: Nah, there’s only Havelock Airlines.
MOTHER: By camel?
[Cut to shot of camel turning to face the camera and expectorating an enormous wad of camel goo. The mucus slides slowly down the lens, leaving a viscous slime trail.]
FATHER: Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is to get camel spit out of bright colors like these?
MOTHER: Well, then I guess its . . .
FAMILY [unhappy chorus]: River Nile Cruises.
MOTHER [comfortingly, to sobbing girl]: After all, they only catch on fire *some* of the time.
[Cut to shot of flaming barge sailing downriver, screaming passengers diving off left and right.]
ANNOUNCER: Yes, when making your travel plans, River Nile Cruises is the name to remember, because here at River Nile Cruises, our motto is:
JINGLE-SINGING CHORUS: Believe it or not/We’re the best option you’ve got.
[CUT BACK FROM COMMERCIAL]
[Title graphic fades to set again. EVELYN is furtively trying to sneak offstage.]
BENITO: Welcome back once again to ‘A Date with Destiny.’ It is now time for question number three, that is if our lovely lady has finished stretching her legs?
EVELYN [Freezes guiltily in mid-step]: Oh, dear. [Reluctantly returns to seat and picks up cue cards.] All right, let’s get this nightmare over with. [Reads cue card.] Oh, really, who writes these things? I swear. Bachelor Number One, what is your idea of a romantic evening?
RICK: Hmm . . . picture this. You and me, snuggled up by a warm fire out under the stars, a cool breeze blowing, a nice couple of drinks . . .
EVELYN [getting into it]: Maybe a good book?
RICK [shaking head vigorously]: No. No book. Nuh-uh. Definitely no book.
EVELYN [disappointed]: Oh, well. Bachelor Number Two?
BEY: I do not know. Perhaps a nice camel ride. I do not have many opportunities to date, what with protecting the world. Just so long as the woman in question refrains from stupidly reciting evil curses, anything is fine with me.
EVELYN [annoyed]: You know, I’m getting the distinct impression that you have some *issues* with women, Bachelor Number Two.
BEY: Issues? Me? Just because a treacherous woman callously slaughtered the pharaoh of my ancestors, disgracing my clan, and then another woman managed to unleash a creature that we have feared for over 3,000 years, making us look like a bunch of bathrobe-wearing incompetents once again? Why would I have issues? Ha! How preposterous! The very idea!
EVELYN: [acidly]: I’m guessing that was sarcasm.
BEY: How perceptive of you.
EVELYN: [British accent becoming clipped enough to trim your hedges.] Fine.
[BENITO mouths ‘One down, one to go!’ to IMHOTEP. IMHOTEP and BENITO exchange high-fives.]
EVELYN: Well, then, Bachelor Number Three? Romantic evening?
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai a nihilo mi pharos.
BENITO: He says that he would sweep you off your feet in a whirlwind of desire, give you all the rarest treasures of ancient Egypt for your playthings, and make most passionate love until the dawn.
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai.
BENITO: And also kill Bachelors Number One and Two.
EVELYN [increasingly scandalized]: Oh my . . next question, next question . . . Ah. Bachelor Number One, what kind of clothing do you like on a woman?
RICK: Anything that accentuates her natural beauty. [EVELYN begins to smile.] Oh, and it has to be comfortable for running like hell in. I seem to do a lot of that, and she’d have to be able to keep up.
EVELYN [not smiling quite as much now]: How . . . practical of you. Bachelor Number Two?
BEY [Still sulking petulantly]: Black. Basic black is good. Basically anything that will not make her look like a [glares pointedly at IMHOTEP] painted whore.
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai a nilio mi pharos.
BENITO: He says you should not say such things about your mother.
[BEY moves to lunge for IMHOTEP again. The two security guards move forward threateningly, and BEY settles down, seething.]
EVELYN: Bachelor Number Three, the type of clothing you like best on a woman is . . . ?
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai a nilio mi pharos.
BENITO: Three pounds of art supplies, enough gold to plate an oil tanker, and the entire fall line of Mary Kay.
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai.
BENITO: Oh, and two square inches’ worth of fishnet.
EVELYN [her moral sensibilities obviously in High Indignation Mode]: Well, I never!
IMHOTEP: Koontash dai a nilio.
BENITO [leering]: He says, not yet.
EVELYN: Not ever!
BENITO: We shall just see about that. Well, the tension is thick enough to cut with a sacrificial knife here in the studio, but we must break for a commercial. When we return, our lovely lady will make one bachelor very happy, and two others very dead-- I mean, disappointed.
[CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
[Fade in to storefront.]
ANNOUNCER: Hey, Med-Jai warriors! Lost your hand? Tired of that same boring old prosthesis? Well, spice up your life with a new look from Hooks ‘R’ Us!
[Cut to a shot of a very battle-scarred, black-robed, stoic Med-Jai model screwing and unscrewing nasty-looking things on his wrist.]
ANNOUNCER: Just look at this little beauty: the Swiss Army Hook! 27 different attachments, including a cigarette lighter, chicken deboner, nail file, scarab swatter and a corkscrew! And what about this terrific little serrated hook set from Ginsu: it slices, it dices! You can even cut a tin can with it! Or a grown man with it, for that matter!
[Cut to shot of three TEENAGE PUNKS walking by warrior model.]
PUNK #1: Hey, Captain Hook!
[PUNKS #1, #2, and #3 snigger. Without turning from the camera or batting an eyelash, the warrior lashes out with his hook hand and connects with PUNK #1 just off camera, and a strangled scream is heard. Horror-stricken, PUNKS #2 and #3 run for their lives. A fleeting smile flickers across the warrior’s face.]
ANNOUNCER: Yes, if you’re in the market for a hook, you can’t do better than Hooks ‘R’ Us. Remember, absolutely no camel trade-ins will be accepted.
[CUT BACK FROM COMMERCIAL]
[EVELYN is fidgeting nervously, occasionally looking at the partition and biting her lip.]
BENITO: [smirking obnoxiously] It's the time you've all been waiting for, my friends! The time when our lovely Evelyn will choose who will be her 'Date with Destiny'! Can't you feel the magic in the air?
[The camera pans across the audience, which manages to convey an incredible lack of enthusiasm. Some of them are reading, some are talking amongst themselves. An elderly Bedouin woman in the first row is eyeing the mummified stagehand suspiciously. She reaches out and tugs on a bandage protruding from his grungy black tee-shirt.]
[CUT BACK TO BENITO]
BENITO: [eyes narrowed] Please excuse me, honored friends, for this brief departure from the schedule, but I think now would be a good time to see what awaits our lucky couple!
[The screen fades to black as BENITO marches off-screen towards the audience.]
[Cut in to shot of the desert, the sun gleaming off a seemingly endless expanse of sand.]
VOICEOVER: [speaks in deep, sonorous tones as the camera slowly pans over the shining ground.] The desert. For ages a place of mystery, a large black question mark on the maps of the world. A place of dangerous isolation where swift, invisible death lurks around every sand dune!
[The slowly moving camera reveals a Med-Jai WARRIOR leaning against his camel, nose buried in a map.]
VOICEOVER: [Discreet cough.]
[The WARRIOR turns the map upside down, frowning deeply.]
VOICEOVER: [Less discreet cough.]
[The WARRIOR digs a compass out of his saddle bags and holds it up to the map, squinting.]
[A rock flies in from the direction of the camera and hits the warrior on the shoulder. He spins around, hand going to his sword. He stares directly into the camera, his face taking on a sickly cast. The camera jerks slightly to the right, as if the person holding it is waggling his head to one side.]
[The Med-Jai WARRIOR takes hold of the camel's reins and walks slowly off camera, obviously embarrassed. He's muttering under his breath, but the mike picks up some of it.]
WARRIOR: . . . never hear the last of this . . . -robably have to give back the 'Stealthy Assassin' badge . . . -deth Bey is going to *kill* me! [Finally gets out of the way.]
VOICEOVER: As I was saying, the desert is a place of danger, but also [suddenly very chipper] of romance!
[Cut to a shot of the desert at night. The sand shines like beaten silver, and the sky is a depthless black.]
VOICEOVER: Yes, those famous desert nights! When the wind is soft, the mood is right, and you can barely smell the camels. What a perfect time and place for our new couple to share their first 'special moments'.
[Cut to shot of outside of Hamunaptra, where a cardboard sign reading 'Fine Dining' has been hastily affixed to the entrance. Red-jacketed mummies can be seen leading camels around in front, in a grotesque mimicry of valet parking.]
VOICEOVER: And what better place than Hamunaptra, once the mysterious and perilous City of the Dead, now one of Egypt's most exclusive eateries! Here, you can eat like a king, or [drops his voice] should I say a pharaoh? [Hearty laugh.]
[Cut to shot of altar room, the camera panning slowly down the candle-covered staircase until it comes to rest on the altar, which has been covered in a crisp white tablecloth and has a silver candelabra in the center. The manacles can be seen poking through the tablecloth, though at some point someone had the bright idea of folding napkins into origami falcons and putting them atop the manacles. The table is fully set with fine china and silverware, but the knives at each place appear to be longer, sharper and more sacrificially oriented than the normal butter knife.]
VOICEOVER: Our couple will have the best seat in the house, right next to the ornamental pool! [Quick shot of the black, viscous pit.] Yes, this is the perfect place for a romantic evening, and maybe more. For those first dates where the couple instantly realizes that they want to be together for all eternity, Hamunaptra offers a unique option! [Hands come on from off camera and whisk the tablecloth away without disturbing the objects on it.] In-house mummification! When you know that your heart will always belong to your beloved, go the extra mile and offer up the rest of your internal organs!
[There is a crash somewhere off-camera.]
WARRIOR: You will *not* wake the creature!
[The camera swings up to reveal the Med-Jai WARRIOR from the desert standing at the top of the stairs, sword in hand]
WARRIOR: [striking dramatic pose] I will kill you all if you fail to leave, for you know not what you risk awakening! He is evil incarnate, a plague that will rage through Egypt and wreak unstoppable destruction! He is--
VOICEOVER: Gone.
WARRIOR: What?
VOICEOVER: He's gone, man! Now, do you mind? We're trying to finish the shot here!
WARRIOR: [looks down at the camera] You again! [The WARRIOR sheathes his sword and stalks out. His 'Stealthy Assassin' badge may be in jeopardy, but his 'Arrogant Stalking' badge is clearly safe.]
VOICEOVER: [muttering] Idiot. [His peppy tone returns.] Yes, the local folk are certainly colorful, metaphorically speaking! All this, and more awaits our lucky lady and the man of her choice! Back to you, Benito!
[Screen fades to black, then cuts back to the set. BENITO is once again behind the podium.]
BENITO: Looks like a magical night to me, don't you think so *my friends*?
[Cut to shot of the audience. There are noticeably fewer of them, and the survivors -- um, the *remaining audience members* all look somewhat shell-shocked. They nod frantically, and break into frenzied applause.]
BENITO: [satisfied] Good. Now . . . The moment has come. [Turning towards EVELYN] Miss Evelyn? Who will you choose?
BENITO: Will it be Bachelor Number One?
[Shot of RICK looking at his nails. RICK looks up quickly and flashes his 'spontaneously' charming grin. The crowd is silent.]
BENITO: Bachelor Number Two?
[Shot of ARDETH BEY writing in a small organizer. The words are clearly visible. "Discipline Jed Har: Possible Punishment-- Rescind 'Stealthy Assassin' Badge?" The crowd is almost completely silent, though a wave of worried coughs and subtle rustlings show that they haven't forgotten how heavily armed he is.]
BENITO: Or... Bachelor Number Three!
[Shot of IMHOTEP lounging in his chair, one corner of his mouth lifting in a confident smile. The crowd goes wild, screaming "Three! Three!" A few roses fall by his feet, followed by a thankfully unrecognizable undergarment.]
[Cut back to BENITO, nodding approvingly at the audience.]
BENITO: [To EVELYN] May we have your decision?
EVELYN: [Sighs deeply] If I must. This was a *very* difficult choice for me to make. All of the contestants have special qualities that made it nearly impossible for me to pick between them. [Something about her tone suggests that those special qualities were of such a nature as to make her seriously consider entering a nunnery.]
BENITO: Do not keep us all in suspense! [Looks nervously over at IMHOTEP. As the camera follows his glance, we can see the heads of three mummy stagehands visible over the back wall of the male contestants' enclosure. They appear to be waiting for something.]
EVELYN: [As always, she ignores the interruption to her train of thought.] In the end, my choice was decided by one variable. [She shakes her head.] Namely, which one of the contestants *didn't* threaten to kill anyone.
[There is activity above the back wall as the mummies reach down and detach the numbers from above the contestants' heads. IMHOTEP is the only one who notices.]
EVELYN: [Deep breath.] So, I choose Bachelor Number One!
[A moment of frantic activity on the other side of the partition, then the camera cuts to a shot of IMHOTEP, grinning under the Number One. He gets up and starts to stride over to the other side, brushing by a confused RICK, who is sitting and staring up at the numbers. The stagehands have jumped out of sight.]
BENITO: A marvelous choice! And now, let's meet your chosen man . . . [IMHOTEP strides around the partition] Imhotep! [Crowd starts screaming in excitement.]
EVELYN: [Gets up from her chair and starts backing away.] No. . .
[IMHOTEP just looks at her, eyes half-closed as a smile plays around his lips.]
RICK: [From off-camera] Hey, wait just a minute here! [Behind IMHOTEP, we can see hordes of mummies converging on the contestants' enclosure.]
EVELYN: No! [Turning, she bolts offstage, her progress marked by the assorted shouts of "Ouch!", "Watch out for those lights! [crash]" and the various other sound effects that are inextricably associated with Cairo's answer to Calamity Jane.]
[IMHOTEP follows her, moving with the smoothly confident steps of a panther, his smile broadening into a full-fledged smirk. He projects a kind of Pepe Le Peau confidence, born of the knowledge that his prey will eventually need to rest while he can go on forever. Literally.]
BENITO: [turning back to the camera] Nothing to worry about, just a little first date jitters! [With the quick reflexes of a professional coward he moves out of the way just as a mummy is flung out of the enclosure, landing on the podium with a thud.] I'm sure our lucky couple will be very happy together!
[The crowd, propelled by fear, applauds. At this point, they'd probably applaud if he said, 'And now I will kill you all!']
BENITO: [Smiling widely] Tune in tomorrow, when a young Med-Jai warrior will have his . . . [Motions to the audience.]
AUDIENCE: [In a deafening roar.] DATE WITH DESTINY!
BENITO: [waving] Goodbye, my friends! Goodbye!
[The camera starts to zoom out as BENITO slowly walks offstage, pausing many times to wave and hold up his hands in a gesture of victory. It shows the whole set, including the pitched battle being fought in the enclosure. EVELYN can be seen clambering across a catwalk overhead, with IMHOTEP only a few steps behind. As it zooms out further, a change in angle shows that Jonathan is tied, gagged and stuffed inside the host's podium.]
[The title is superimposed over the chaos, the Pepto-Bismol pink of the lettering providing an eerily cheerful note.]
EVELYN: [distantly] Get AWAY from me!
[Fade to black screen.]